Whatthefuckever

I changed everything for you, gave up my entire life, and you don't even notice or care.

Maybe I show you nothing but love from now on and OH WAIT.
I give it a month before you ruin me like everyone else

That feeling

When you realize your life is unbearable and nothing you can do will make it better.

Spotify

So, I'm using spotify, ands it's bringing back ALL KINDS of awesome memories.
Example


I havent heard this song in years and I still know all the words.
What freaks me out though is seeing the year albums I've loved came out.
AFI's The Art Of Drowning came out in 2000!? I feel so damn old. Also, they've put out like 6 albums since I stopped listening to them! Woah.

This pretty much explains how I feel right about now.

Empty.
Alone.
Useless.
BORED.


I crave adventure, drama, parties, youth, dancing, and loud music on my friday night. I guess I'll be getting all of that, but not really in the way that I want. No, what I really want, what I REALLY REALLY want, is to be 17 again. I miss my friends, almost all of whom are gone. I miss my car, as much of a fuckface that it was. But most of all, I miss having a bright future. Being grown up sucks. Anyway, here's the video that describes so well how I feel. The song is from an 'internet friend' of mine. I just sold him a reverb.




EDIT:
Now I know why I keep this blog. Reading my own words of how upset I was makes me feel better about how upset I am.

Life

I love my new life.
I miss my old life.
I'm broke. Like, REALLY broke.
I feel so suffocated, and so free at the same time.

I just feel like I never know how to act or what to say for more than a few days. For once, I just wish I wasn't always wrong.

"Hey what's up?"

"Oh you know, the usual. Wallowing in loneliness in a room full of friends, missing people I will hardly see again who probably don't give two shits about me and doubting the emotions of myself, what's up with you?"

"Pretty good thanks. Hey can I borrow twenty bucks? I'll pay you back (the)next week (after christmas), I swear."







I feel like no one ever listens to a word I say. Everyone is too self absorbed to pay attention to me. Which makes me self absorbed too. Is it wrong of me to crave at least a little attention? Aren't I important too?

A Dog At Her Feet

This is a tricky subject for me to address.
So I won't.




Also; ZOMFG animal hoarders!!!

Blogs

I read her blog today, I guess I wasn't the only one who was sad sometimes.
It actually makes me feel better. She's human too. She has problems. She cries too. Hell, probably more than I ever did.
I used to be terrified of ever seeing her again, but now I sort of miss her. I kind of want to be friends now. There are still things I say that I know she would think were hilarious.
=\

UPDATE:
things are great.
I'm in love with a wonderful girl. I got an iphone (herp), a decent job, a synth that I love, and etc etc etc

life is good now

in september we're going to new york to see hip hop.
here's a video





yeeeeeeeah

WELL

It's been a while since I've posted huh?
Life is awesome right now. New job that isn't so bad, sold my car, got my settlement money, and got a new girrly who I fucking adore!!
Look how cute:



Anyway, now I just need to move. I stopped taking my medicine and I feel good about it.

For the first time in months, everything is going awesome. It's like right when I was at my breaking point the universe fixed everything.

Female somewhere between 13-17

so according to this, "thepsychoatomicovermind.blogspot.com is probably written by a female somewhere between 13-17 years old. The writing style is personal and happy most of the time."



UM. ok?


I don't think this is accurate.
Anyway, update on life?
Been hanging out with this girl and I think she rules. She thinks I rule. Got a new job, I start tomorrow. May have my car sold. Buying a fucking synth.

Story Of A Girl

So... there's this lady. And I'm scared shitless of her.
I don't know why. I really like her, I think she likes me too, but something about her makes me so nervous. The last few ladies I've been with didn't have any real relationship potential, but this girl is.... awesome. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to kiss her.
:Insert embarrassed face here:


Whatever, thing is I really like her, I just hope she likes me too.

Why is it

That when I'm with a girl I don't really like all that much, I'm confident and smart and know exactly what to say.
BUT
When I'm hanging out with a girl I really like, I get super nervous and trip over my words and am afraid to even touch her, let alone try to kiss her?

DRIVIN ME CRAZZZZY

Everyone here is a cloud

Things are both good and bad and neutral.

Things with Alison are neutral at best. She keeps calling me and asking me for things. It's like she only cares to talk to me when she wants something. It really hurts my feelings to know that she was too busy to see me before she left, unless she wants me to drive her somewhere, when suddenly she has time. She told me that I was the only one who ever saw through her front to 'the real her', but now I see what I think is the real her. But that's ok, because we aren't seeing each other anymore and we had fun. She's not going to ruin my life, and I'm not going to ruin hers. What makes me the most sad is that we both know that.


Things with Sarah, are, as always, bad. Today we talked for a bit. Cloud cult is playing in Columbus tonight and Cleveland tomorrow and I'm not going to either one. I may go to Columbus, but probably not. No, and I cannot go to Cleveland. Seeing her with drew at a Cloud cult gig would be.... weird and hard to deal with. I hope it hurts her as much as it would hurt me. Today I found out that she is in fact human, that is, has flaws. She couldn't kick smoking either. She tried to act like she was being nice when I asked about her tape deck too, and that really pissed me off. "I paid fifteen for it so I'll let it go for like.. five and a pack of smokes or something." I wanted so badly to say FUCK YOU YOU PAID FIVE DOLLARS FOR THAT AND HAVE OWED ME SIXTY FOR MONTHS, but I settled for the much more appropriate 'Yeah that's cool.'

Things are good somewhere though!! And that is Nardie. We hung out last night and it was great. I didn't try to kiss her or anything, but there was no awkward 'should I kiss her or not' BS going on. I think we're both a little emotionally damaged, and it was nice to just have a friend to hang out with and watch cartoons. Plus I really actually like this girl. The last few ladies I have seen have been.... below my standards. Believed in god, loved Dave Mathews Band, poster from 'The Dark Knight', etc etc etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I meet a girl who likes Grouper, Wu Tang, atheism, feminism, liberalism, Tarentino, and is going to teach me how to build an external hard drive, I should probably try to impress her, or something. =] I'm pretty sure she's into me though. Right?




Also, I just looked through my old posts. I was a whiny little whore huh? Guess I still kind of am, but I mean, it's a blog, deal with it. Suddenly I realize that medication really has been helping me, and I feel awesome suddenly. Cool.

I want To Break Your Heart Into A Thousand Pieces

2011

this whole year has been a shit storm. 5 months in and the only times I have felt truly happy, or even alive have been when I was crying, sleeping, going deaf, or being hurt.

The inner surface of the
pitcher is smooth, and insects
which enter are drowned in
the water present in the bottom
of the pitcher and are
digested by enzymes secreted
by special glands in the wall

The more alone I feel, the more masochistic tendencies I develop. I want to get into a fight

Sometimes

I just want to jump off of a fucking bridge

Bittersweet

Goodbyes are never fun. Usually they hurt. But sometimes.... It's not all bad. I've never said goodbye to someone I cared about and walked away happy, until last night. It's funny. When someone tells you that you are pure, and your greatest trait is purity of being, and then walks away from your life, you'd expect to be sad. When it's someone who you realize has never let anyone but you into their heart, no matter how many people they have let into their bed, you'd expect to be devastated, but somehow I can only think about how we'll always have paris.
When one door closes, another opens...

Scanner

We had a nice conversation, until I mentioned her name.
Suddenly you had nothing to say.
You wanna know a secret?
I did it on purpose.
Because I'm jealous.
Of you and your perfect fucking life that I am not a part of.
I'm jealous of your family, your brain, your apartment, your friends and your mac. I'm jealous of your body and your life. I'm jealous of your confidence and your happiness. I wish I was more like you.

Dreams/Sickness

Hard as I try, I STILL can't get you out of my head. You still haunt my subconscious and I'm terrified of having to talk to you again. When it has to happen, I just hope I don't freak out and run away like I did in my dream.

In other news I'm sick as hell. I should be resting, but I'd rather go party and be sociable. =\ Why do I do this to myself?

Lovers and Liars

Today was one of the first days where my mind wasn't obsessed with you. I can finally focus on other things. Friends, and a new lady. I can finally find peace.
But you image still haunts me and if I ever see you again I will probably break down. Your voice could still destroy me, you pictures still make me cry, but I'm learning to deal.
Soon, you'll be out of my life forever and we'll forget all about each other. What I was once so afraid of happening I am now hoping for desperately. I want to not remember what your face looks like. The same face that I used to see plastered on every girl I saw.
Who are you again?

Egodeath

I feel like a ghost. Able to be seen, see people, and generally exist, but I feel like I belong elsewhere. My being on this astral plane is alien. I am not of this world. Or perhaps I am god, with each central being in my life representing a different part of my mind. My parents are obviously my superego, and my friends are my id. I have no ego.

Relocation

I need to fucking move out of my pad now. I was trying to wait until July/August, but fuck. I'm going crazy right god damn now and It's only april.
I really like this girl but I'm scared she'll choose promiscuity over me.
Everything is so frustrating.
I just want to drive until I get lost in some random town in the middle of another state where I don't know anyone.
Maybe I should take Michelle up on that offer to move into the pleasuredome in michigan.

Attraction

Why are we, as humans, attracted to what we know is bad for us?
Why do we want what we cannot, or should not, have?
Why does all logic fail in the face of infatuation?
Why does it feel so good to hurt? Is it because it's all I've felt in ages? Or merely because I am attracted to what is obviously the worst possible situation?
Why do I not give a single fuck about my emotional stability when offered the slightest chance of happiness, no matter the risk?

ANGST

SO FUCKING ANGSTY TODAY

mix 4 a grrl

Alison

Alison alison alison....
I have no fucking clue how to feel about this girl. Half of my brain says go for it, the other half says no fucking way. Go with my primal gut instinct and boyish infatuation, or my nagging conscious and unsilenceable standards?

DECISION TIME.





In other news, according to facebook the ex 'likes' music I used to make fun of. She never listened to that kind of stuff when I was around. Was she trying to impress me, or scared I would make fun of her? Am I that pretentious?

untitled

I went and saw this girl today. It was fun. It made me feel like a normal human being, capable of emotions again. Yet.. It reminded me of that part in Eternal Sunshine where he says "Why do I fall in love with every girl who shows me the least bit of attention".
But it was nice. We talked about stuff and watched a torture porn rape movie.

Now my younger brother is watching Casablanca and I'm listening to Julie Dorion. All in all, today was good. No attacks, minimal depression, yeah. My friends bailed on me, and I should have stayed in Oberlin longer.
Oh well, I've got a gig tomorrow, am seeing Jandek sunday, and go on tour thursday. I need this.

I can fucking beat this

I know I can.

I'm not going to let depression/anxiety/heartbreak get me down. Fuck that. I'm better than that. I don't hate myself, I can change anything I dislike about myself.

We are your friends

I'm so glad I posted this blog on facebook. I've received overwhelming support from my friends, and I'm having a good day. I'm still half convinced that I am god, because my mood always seems to influence the weather. Of course, it could easily be the other way around. You guys are the best. I feel good about not having to hide my problems anymore. I'm having a good day, and any issues are going to be expunged my musical gatherings today.
Also, this made me laugh:

Facebook

So, I've decided to post my blog to all of my friends on facebook. This is sort of a big step I guess. Publicly sharing my emotions with my 'public image'. Ah. Not like anyone will read this anyway. But I guess it's important for me to not be afraid of how I feel. If anything I write hurts anyone's feelings, I'm sorry. I'm going through a lot right now and to understand my emotions, I need to express them to myself.
-B

Poison Hearts Will Never Change

Today I realized I'm getting over you.
I no longer feel that if you were to call me and say you wanted me back I would take you back in a heartbeat like I used to think.
I'm no longer having dreams about being with you and waking up crying. Now I dream that you show up and scare the living hell out of me, and I wake up sweating, but at least I don't feel empty.
I'm scared as hell to see you if you come to my gig this weekend, but I kind of want you to be there too. I feel my heart walking away from you finally, and I sort of don't care if I never see you again, which I now see is the most painful realization I can face. I lied when I said I'd love you forever.

Digging up albums from my childhood can be oh so comforting.


Strangely enough, I hated this song as a kid, but now I can't get enough of it.

Irony

Irony is when you go to the doctor because of depression and anxiety, and have a panic attack in the waiting room.

Irony is when the doctor tells you "one of the side effects of anti-depressants is wanting to kill yourself."

Irony is NOT rain on your wedding day.
(Look at yourself. If you don't laugh, you have no sense of humor.)

Lost in Translation

God, this movie breaks my heart so fucking much. From the opening shot of Scarlett's ass, to the final scene. Today really is a great day to watch it though.
It's warmer than it has been all year, but rainy and disgusting. Today is the first day of life anew. The deadness of winter is over, finally. And the earth can breath a sigh of relief.

Today

I spent my day in a manic haze of artistic stupor. It was narcotic.
I'm starting to think that I have manic-depressive disorder.

Are you dead or are you sleeping?

Today was... different.
I feel like I hit a new low on Wednesday. I was either crying or sleeping pretty much all day, and there was not a single second where I had any emotion that could be referred to as anything even remotely resembling "good", "calm", or "happy". Today, while certainly not a "good day", wasn't bad. I feel like I felt at the beginning of the week, nervous, but manageable. Have I developed a cycle of emotional malfunction?

Today I also realized that I have friends who care about me. I don't have the same friends I had last year, I don't have the same friends I had 2 or 3 years ago, and it has really been driving me crazy. I saw a picture of sarah in my basement, a picture I used to love from when we were first dating. She's got fistfuls are arcade tickets and is jumping in the air with this fucking grin, and that's when it hit me. I thought about a night years ago, before she and I even met, when I stayed up all night at jessica's with andrew and tate and joe making puns literally until the sun came up. Everyone was sober. It blew my mind that I was so close with my friends that we could stay up all night just cracking jokes. But that sort of died down while everyone grew up and moved away and developed problems. But then I had sarah, and I had someone to talk to. I had someone who I was that close with, who I could be myself around, who I felt safe in my emotions. But now that is gone, and I realize now that no body knows me. I can't be myself in front of my parents, my friends, my brothers, anyone. I feel closer to my cats than I do anyone else. But, at the same time, I realize there are people who care. People who I hardly know, only from online correspondences, and they are the best. People who will email me and ask if I'm ok after I post something particularly depressing. I'm more connected to my computer and my phone than I am another human being. Even here, when I wish I had someone to express my fears about myself to, I write in this blog instead.

Am I an introvert? I always pictured myself as outgoing and fun, but now I realize I am cold and boring, alone and miserable.

Sleep is the only thing that makes me feel better, because I dream that so so so many things ended up differently. I dream she and I are together again, and I dream that I'm happy. There isn't a single morning I don't wake up crying.

My biggest fear is that I'll stop having good dreams, or that my dreams will reflect my waking.

Life is shit right now

New job = SHIT.
Heard from the ex = SCARY
Sleep Schedule = SHIT
Sleep ALL day = SHIT
Aaaaaand it's snowing.


I want to go to sleep forever

You can't stand the thought of me

and I can't blame you.


If anyone is reading this, have you ever felt like shit so much that you threw up?

I feel better

I feel so much better lately. I mailed the package today. I'm more scared that she is going to be hurt by it more than anything. I also have a strong urge to make art. Like, more than usual. But I start a new job tomorrow, and am about to be full of self loathing once more I suspect.

Whatever, I get to see Daniel Fucking Johnston.

Letter pt 2

So I decided that sending my key, laundry card, and an unlabeled CD with just that paul bearibeau song on it would be vindictive, so I wrote a nice letter, and made THIS cd instead:



The cd starts with 'I'll no longer hide it, yes you drive me to tears.'
I just hope this ends the same way the cd ends.

Snail Mail

About to mail my spare key, laundry card and a cd only containing this song:


Is this too vindictive? I hope not. I just need to say.... something to her, but I can't think of anything worth saying that doesn't make me look like an asshole. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, just trying to figure out what to do when you lose your best friend. I've always been the best at expressing how I feel through mix's.

Family

I never thought I'd be bitching about this. A lot of people have family problems, but I've always seemed to feel upset by things other than my family. Today though fucked everything up. My dad was vacuuming (highly unusual) and then sat down and a talk with me. Not just any talk. It was a talk about responsibility and how he's mean because he loves us, etc etc. The same talk he gives when I'm unfortunate enough to be awake when he comes home after the pub. He had a notecard with things he wanted to talk about. I recognize this strategy from when I went through 'the breakup' and couldn't organize my thoughts. Furthermore, he was talking about his cancer, which he NEVER talks about. I'm wondering if this is related to the breast lump on my mother that was recently found by the doctor, or the argument my dad and I got in yesterday where he said he was going to start acting like Red Foreman. Also, my parents went to the grocery store at 7pm on a Friday night. This is VERY strange. I'm scared and concerned.

Surrender.

When the gossamer nymph appears, My beloved's beauty drives me to distraction.
Surrender.
When I am enraptured by a glimpse, My beloved's beauty is a tender branch caught by the breeze.
Surrender.
Oh my destiny, my perplexity
No one can comfort me in my misery,
In my lamenting and suffering for love,
But for the one in the beautiful mirage
My beloved's beauty drives me to distraction.
Surrender.

Tiny Dancer

Do you remember when I hated this movie? I thought it was stupid and trying too hard to be cool. Until the night we re arranged the living room and watched it again. We ate black bean burgers and when this song came out you sang it to me. We kissed and kissed and I never thought I'd lose you.

Hm..

A new blog. I've done this many many many many many times before and I always ended up deleting my blogs. I never finish anything. But a fresh start is just that. This blog is pretty much just for me to vent. Bitch about being depressed, hating myself, missing my ex, etc etc. I guess it's just a diary, except for open for strangers to read. Whatever, no body will read this stupid blog anyway. Anyway, on this blog you can expect photos, videos, rants, and maybe some downloads. I'm going to go listen to more drone and surf the net.
-B