Are you dead or are you sleeping?

Today was... different.
I feel like I hit a new low on Wednesday. I was either crying or sleeping pretty much all day, and there was not a single second where I had any emotion that could be referred to as anything even remotely resembling "good", "calm", or "happy". Today, while certainly not a "good day", wasn't bad. I feel like I felt at the beginning of the week, nervous, but manageable. Have I developed a cycle of emotional malfunction?

Today I also realized that I have friends who care about me. I don't have the same friends I had last year, I don't have the same friends I had 2 or 3 years ago, and it has really been driving me crazy. I saw a picture of sarah in my basement, a picture I used to love from when we were first dating. She's got fistfuls are arcade tickets and is jumping in the air with this fucking grin, and that's when it hit me. I thought about a night years ago, before she and I even met, when I stayed up all night at jessica's with andrew and tate and joe making puns literally until the sun came up. Everyone was sober. It blew my mind that I was so close with my friends that we could stay up all night just cracking jokes. But that sort of died down while everyone grew up and moved away and developed problems. But then I had sarah, and I had someone to talk to. I had someone who I was that close with, who I could be myself around, who I felt safe in my emotions. But now that is gone, and I realize now that no body knows me. I can't be myself in front of my parents, my friends, my brothers, anyone. I feel closer to my cats than I do anyone else. But, at the same time, I realize there are people who care. People who I hardly know, only from online correspondences, and they are the best. People who will email me and ask if I'm ok after I post something particularly depressing. I'm more connected to my computer and my phone than I am another human being. Even here, when I wish I had someone to express my fears about myself to, I write in this blog instead.

Am I an introvert? I always pictured myself as outgoing and fun, but now I realize I am cold and boring, alone and miserable.

Sleep is the only thing that makes me feel better, because I dream that so so so many things ended up differently. I dream she and I are together again, and I dream that I'm happy. There isn't a single morning I don't wake up crying.

My biggest fear is that I'll stop having good dreams, or that my dreams will reflect my waking.