Life is shit right now

New job = SHIT.
Heard from the ex = SCARY
Sleep Schedule = SHIT
Sleep ALL day = SHIT
Aaaaaand it's snowing.


I want to go to sleep forever

You can't stand the thought of me

and I can't blame you.


If anyone is reading this, have you ever felt like shit so much that you threw up?

I feel better

I feel so much better lately. I mailed the package today. I'm more scared that she is going to be hurt by it more than anything. I also have a strong urge to make art. Like, more than usual. But I start a new job tomorrow, and am about to be full of self loathing once more I suspect.

Whatever, I get to see Daniel Fucking Johnston.

Letter pt 2

So I decided that sending my key, laundry card, and an unlabeled CD with just that paul bearibeau song on it would be vindictive, so I wrote a nice letter, and made THIS cd instead:



The cd starts with 'I'll no longer hide it, yes you drive me to tears.'
I just hope this ends the same way the cd ends.

Snail Mail

About to mail my spare key, laundry card and a cd only containing this song:


Is this too vindictive? I hope not. I just need to say.... something to her, but I can't think of anything worth saying that doesn't make me look like an asshole. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, just trying to figure out what to do when you lose your best friend. I've always been the best at expressing how I feel through mix's.

Family

I never thought I'd be bitching about this. A lot of people have family problems, but I've always seemed to feel upset by things other than my family. Today though fucked everything up. My dad was vacuuming (highly unusual) and then sat down and a talk with me. Not just any talk. It was a talk about responsibility and how he's mean because he loves us, etc etc. The same talk he gives when I'm unfortunate enough to be awake when he comes home after the pub. He had a notecard with things he wanted to talk about. I recognize this strategy from when I went through 'the breakup' and couldn't organize my thoughts. Furthermore, he was talking about his cancer, which he NEVER talks about. I'm wondering if this is related to the breast lump on my mother that was recently found by the doctor, or the argument my dad and I got in yesterday where he said he was going to start acting like Red Foreman. Also, my parents went to the grocery store at 7pm on a Friday night. This is VERY strange. I'm scared and concerned.

Surrender.

When the gossamer nymph appears, My beloved's beauty drives me to distraction.
Surrender.
When I am enraptured by a glimpse, My beloved's beauty is a tender branch caught by the breeze.
Surrender.
Oh my destiny, my perplexity
No one can comfort me in my misery,
In my lamenting and suffering for love,
But for the one in the beautiful mirage
My beloved's beauty drives me to distraction.
Surrender.

Tiny Dancer

Do you remember when I hated this movie? I thought it was stupid and trying too hard to be cool. Until the night we re arranged the living room and watched it again. We ate black bean burgers and when this song came out you sang it to me. We kissed and kissed and I never thought I'd lose you.

Hm..

A new blog. I've done this many many many many many times before and I always ended up deleting my blogs. I never finish anything. But a fresh start is just that. This blog is pretty much just for me to vent. Bitch about being depressed, hating myself, missing my ex, etc etc. I guess it's just a diary, except for open for strangers to read. Whatever, no body will read this stupid blog anyway. Anyway, on this blog you can expect photos, videos, rants, and maybe some downloads. I'm going to go listen to more drone and surf the net.
-B