Egodeath

I feel like a ghost. Able to be seen, see people, and generally exist, but I feel like I belong elsewhere. My being on this astral plane is alien. I am not of this world. Or perhaps I am god, with each central being in my life representing a different part of my mind. My parents are obviously my superego, and my friends are my id. I have no ego.

Relocation

I need to fucking move out of my pad now. I was trying to wait until July/August, but fuck. I'm going crazy right god damn now and It's only april.
I really like this girl but I'm scared she'll choose promiscuity over me.
Everything is so frustrating.
I just want to drive until I get lost in some random town in the middle of another state where I don't know anyone.
Maybe I should take Michelle up on that offer to move into the pleasuredome in michigan.

Attraction

Why are we, as humans, attracted to what we know is bad for us?
Why do we want what we cannot, or should not, have?
Why does all logic fail in the face of infatuation?
Why does it feel so good to hurt? Is it because it's all I've felt in ages? Or merely because I am attracted to what is obviously the worst possible situation?
Why do I not give a single fuck about my emotional stability when offered the slightest chance of happiness, no matter the risk?

ANGST

SO FUCKING ANGSTY TODAY

mix 4 a grrl

Alison

Alison alison alison....
I have no fucking clue how to feel about this girl. Half of my brain says go for it, the other half says no fucking way. Go with my primal gut instinct and boyish infatuation, or my nagging conscious and unsilenceable standards?

DECISION TIME.





In other news, according to facebook the ex 'likes' music I used to make fun of. She never listened to that kind of stuff when I was around. Was she trying to impress me, or scared I would make fun of her? Am I that pretentious?

untitled

I went and saw this girl today. It was fun. It made me feel like a normal human being, capable of emotions again. Yet.. It reminded me of that part in Eternal Sunshine where he says "Why do I fall in love with every girl who shows me the least bit of attention".
But it was nice. We talked about stuff and watched a torture porn rape movie.

Now my younger brother is watching Casablanca and I'm listening to Julie Dorion. All in all, today was good. No attacks, minimal depression, yeah. My friends bailed on me, and I should have stayed in Oberlin longer.
Oh well, I've got a gig tomorrow, am seeing Jandek sunday, and go on tour thursday. I need this.

I can fucking beat this

I know I can.

I'm not going to let depression/anxiety/heartbreak get me down. Fuck that. I'm better than that. I don't hate myself, I can change anything I dislike about myself.

We are your friends

I'm so glad I posted this blog on facebook. I've received overwhelming support from my friends, and I'm having a good day. I'm still half convinced that I am god, because my mood always seems to influence the weather. Of course, it could easily be the other way around. You guys are the best. I feel good about not having to hide my problems anymore. I'm having a good day, and any issues are going to be expunged my musical gatherings today.
Also, this made me laugh:

Facebook

So, I've decided to post my blog to all of my friends on facebook. This is sort of a big step I guess. Publicly sharing my emotions with my 'public image'. Ah. Not like anyone will read this anyway. But I guess it's important for me to not be afraid of how I feel. If anything I write hurts anyone's feelings, I'm sorry. I'm going through a lot right now and to understand my emotions, I need to express them to myself.
-B

Poison Hearts Will Never Change

Today I realized I'm getting over you.
I no longer feel that if you were to call me and say you wanted me back I would take you back in a heartbeat like I used to think.
I'm no longer having dreams about being with you and waking up crying. Now I dream that you show up and scare the living hell out of me, and I wake up sweating, but at least I don't feel empty.
I'm scared as hell to see you if you come to my gig this weekend, but I kind of want you to be there too. I feel my heart walking away from you finally, and I sort of don't care if I never see you again, which I now see is the most painful realization I can face. I lied when I said I'd love you forever.

Digging up albums from my childhood can be oh so comforting.


Strangely enough, I hated this song as a kid, but now I can't get enough of it.

Irony

Irony is when you go to the doctor because of depression and anxiety, and have a panic attack in the waiting room.

Irony is when the doctor tells you "one of the side effects of anti-depressants is wanting to kill yourself."

Irony is NOT rain on your wedding day.
(Look at yourself. If you don't laugh, you have no sense of humor.)

Lost in Translation

God, this movie breaks my heart so fucking much. From the opening shot of Scarlett's ass, to the final scene. Today really is a great day to watch it though.
It's warmer than it has been all year, but rainy and disgusting. Today is the first day of life anew. The deadness of winter is over, finally. And the earth can breath a sigh of relief.

Today

I spent my day in a manic haze of artistic stupor. It was narcotic.
I'm starting to think that I have manic-depressive disorder.

Are you dead or are you sleeping?

Today was... different.
I feel like I hit a new low on Wednesday. I was either crying or sleeping pretty much all day, and there was not a single second where I had any emotion that could be referred to as anything even remotely resembling "good", "calm", or "happy". Today, while certainly not a "good day", wasn't bad. I feel like I felt at the beginning of the week, nervous, but manageable. Have I developed a cycle of emotional malfunction?

Today I also realized that I have friends who care about me. I don't have the same friends I had last year, I don't have the same friends I had 2 or 3 years ago, and it has really been driving me crazy. I saw a picture of sarah in my basement, a picture I used to love from when we were first dating. She's got fistfuls are arcade tickets and is jumping in the air with this fucking grin, and that's when it hit me. I thought about a night years ago, before she and I even met, when I stayed up all night at jessica's with andrew and tate and joe making puns literally until the sun came up. Everyone was sober. It blew my mind that I was so close with my friends that we could stay up all night just cracking jokes. But that sort of died down while everyone grew up and moved away and developed problems. But then I had sarah, and I had someone to talk to. I had someone who I was that close with, who I could be myself around, who I felt safe in my emotions. But now that is gone, and I realize now that no body knows me. I can't be myself in front of my parents, my friends, my brothers, anyone. I feel closer to my cats than I do anyone else. But, at the same time, I realize there are people who care. People who I hardly know, only from online correspondences, and they are the best. People who will email me and ask if I'm ok after I post something particularly depressing. I'm more connected to my computer and my phone than I am another human being. Even here, when I wish I had someone to express my fears about myself to, I write in this blog instead.

Am I an introvert? I always pictured myself as outgoing and fun, but now I realize I am cold and boring, alone and miserable.

Sleep is the only thing that makes me feel better, because I dream that so so so many things ended up differently. I dream she and I are together again, and I dream that I'm happy. There isn't a single morning I don't wake up crying.

My biggest fear is that I'll stop having good dreams, or that my dreams will reflect my waking.