Theres a first time for everything...

3 months in

To this whole marriage thing. Its wonderful, it truly is.
But whats amazing is hoe quickly and suddenly depression can wrap its hands around your throat one day, then just disappear.

Can't believe I'm updating this blog.
Depression has been dealt with and neutralized, anxiety is under control. Buying a house and getting married. WIN.
End transmission.

Again?

So here we go. Life is generally good. Today is friday, and my third day of calling off of work. I fear my job so badly. I freak out at the thought of going there so bad that I want to puke. I wish I cuold be jobless again really, it was nice doing nothing but noise with my life. Now, I DO have a new job lined up, as a janitor for a school system of all things! I AM worried about a few things, namely paying this months rent. I HAVE to go into work tomorrow, and I am not thrilled about that at all. At least I can explain to them what's going on. Which is this: I, again in the month of march, cannot handle life. Things are difficult to say the least, with money, school, work, and living arrangements. I'm on anti-depressants again, and am supposed to start consoling. It doesn't bother me though. I, again, feel good about getting the help I need. Last year's problems seem so minuscule in retrospect. I can't beleive I haven't been to work all week, what the fuck? God, I hope I get this new job. I feel like I'm slipping back into something that's very very hard to get out of. Not going anywhere all makes it really easy to do. Even now, thinking about how I'm just sitting at home wallowing in misery makes me depressed as fuck. Shit tyrone. I need to get it together.

Whatthefuckever

I changed everything for you, gave up my entire life, and you don't even notice or care.

Maybe I show you nothing but love from now on and OH WAIT.
I give it a month before you ruin me like everyone else

That feeling

When you realize your life is unbearable and nothing you can do will make it better.

Spotify

So, I'm using spotify, ands it's bringing back ALL KINDS of awesome memories.
Example


I havent heard this song in years and I still know all the words.
What freaks me out though is seeing the year albums I've loved came out.
AFI's The Art Of Drowning came out in 2000!? I feel so damn old. Also, they've put out like 6 albums since I stopped listening to them! Woah.

This pretty much explains how I feel right about now.

Empty.
Alone.
Useless.
BORED.


I crave adventure, drama, parties, youth, dancing, and loud music on my friday night. I guess I'll be getting all of that, but not really in the way that I want. No, what I really want, what I REALLY REALLY want, is to be 17 again. I miss my friends, almost all of whom are gone. I miss my car, as much of a fuckface that it was. But most of all, I miss having a bright future. Being grown up sucks. Anyway, here's the video that describes so well how I feel. The song is from an 'internet friend' of mine. I just sold him a reverb.




EDIT:
Now I know why I keep this blog. Reading my own words of how upset I was makes me feel better about how upset I am.

Life

I love my new life.
I miss my old life.
I'm broke. Like, REALLY broke.
I feel so suffocated, and so free at the same time.

I just feel like I never know how to act or what to say for more than a few days. For once, I just wish I wasn't always wrong.

"Hey what's up?"

"Oh you know, the usual. Wallowing in loneliness in a room full of friends, missing people I will hardly see again who probably don't give two shits about me and doubting the emotions of myself, what's up with you?"

"Pretty good thanks. Hey can I borrow twenty bucks? I'll pay you back (the)next week (after christmas), I swear."







I feel like no one ever listens to a word I say. Everyone is too self absorbed to pay attention to me. Which makes me self absorbed too. Is it wrong of me to crave at least a little attention? Aren't I important too?

A Dog At Her Feet

This is a tricky subject for me to address.
So I won't.




Also; ZOMFG animal hoarders!!!

Blogs

I read her blog today, I guess I wasn't the only one who was sad sometimes.
It actually makes me feel better. She's human too. She has problems. She cries too. Hell, probably more than I ever did.
I used to be terrified of ever seeing her again, but now I sort of miss her. I kind of want to be friends now. There are still things I say that I know she would think were hilarious.
=\

UPDATE:
things are great.
I'm in love with a wonderful girl. I got an iphone (herp), a decent job, a synth that I love, and etc etc etc

life is good now

in september we're going to new york to see hip hop.
here's a video





yeeeeeeeah

WELL

It's been a while since I've posted huh?
Life is awesome right now. New job that isn't so bad, sold my car, got my settlement money, and got a new girrly who I fucking adore!!
Look how cute:



Anyway, now I just need to move. I stopped taking my medicine and I feel good about it.

For the first time in months, everything is going awesome. It's like right when I was at my breaking point the universe fixed everything.

Female somewhere between 13-17

so according to this, "thepsychoatomicovermind.blogspot.com is probably written by a female somewhere between 13-17 years old. The writing style is personal and happy most of the time."



UM. ok?


I don't think this is accurate.
Anyway, update on life?
Been hanging out with this girl and I think she rules. She thinks I rule. Got a new job, I start tomorrow. May have my car sold. Buying a fucking synth.

Story Of A Girl

So... there's this lady. And I'm scared shitless of her.
I don't know why. I really like her, I think she likes me too, but something about her makes me so nervous. The last few ladies I've been with didn't have any real relationship potential, but this girl is.... awesome. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to kiss her.
:Insert embarrassed face here:


Whatever, thing is I really like her, I just hope she likes me too.

Why is it

That when I'm with a girl I don't really like all that much, I'm confident and smart and know exactly what to say.
BUT
When I'm hanging out with a girl I really like, I get super nervous and trip over my words and am afraid to even touch her, let alone try to kiss her?

DRIVIN ME CRAZZZZY

Everyone here is a cloud

Things are both good and bad and neutral.

Things with Alison are neutral at best. She keeps calling me and asking me for things. It's like she only cares to talk to me when she wants something. It really hurts my feelings to know that she was too busy to see me before she left, unless she wants me to drive her somewhere, when suddenly she has time. She told me that I was the only one who ever saw through her front to 'the real her', but now I see what I think is the real her. But that's ok, because we aren't seeing each other anymore and we had fun. She's not going to ruin my life, and I'm not going to ruin hers. What makes me the most sad is that we both know that.


Things with Sarah, are, as always, bad. Today we talked for a bit. Cloud cult is playing in Columbus tonight and Cleveland tomorrow and I'm not going to either one. I may go to Columbus, but probably not. No, and I cannot go to Cleveland. Seeing her with drew at a Cloud cult gig would be.... weird and hard to deal with. I hope it hurts her as much as it would hurt me. Today I found out that she is in fact human, that is, has flaws. She couldn't kick smoking either. She tried to act like she was being nice when I asked about her tape deck too, and that really pissed me off. "I paid fifteen for it so I'll let it go for like.. five and a pack of smokes or something." I wanted so badly to say FUCK YOU YOU PAID FIVE DOLLARS FOR THAT AND HAVE OWED ME SIXTY FOR MONTHS, but I settled for the much more appropriate 'Yeah that's cool.'

Things are good somewhere though!! And that is Nardie. We hung out last night and it was great. I didn't try to kiss her or anything, but there was no awkward 'should I kiss her or not' BS going on. I think we're both a little emotionally damaged, and it was nice to just have a friend to hang out with and watch cartoons. Plus I really actually like this girl. The last few ladies I have seen have been.... below my standards. Believed in god, loved Dave Mathews Band, poster from 'The Dark Knight', etc etc etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I meet a girl who likes Grouper, Wu Tang, atheism, feminism, liberalism, Tarentino, and is going to teach me how to build an external hard drive, I should probably try to impress her, or something. =] I'm pretty sure she's into me though. Right?




Also, I just looked through my old posts. I was a whiny little whore huh? Guess I still kind of am, but I mean, it's a blog, deal with it. Suddenly I realize that medication really has been helping me, and I feel awesome suddenly. Cool.

I want To Break Your Heart Into A Thousand Pieces

2011

this whole year has been a shit storm. 5 months in and the only times I have felt truly happy, or even alive have been when I was crying, sleeping, going deaf, or being hurt.

The inner surface of the
pitcher is smooth, and insects
which enter are drowned in
the water present in the bottom
of the pitcher and are
digested by enzymes secreted
by special glands in the wall

The more alone I feel, the more masochistic tendencies I develop. I want to get into a fight